A Hundred Map Jokes (some of them very corny)

Q. What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?A. A con-tour map.
Q. Why didn't the map have any meridians?A. It was a map of a parallel universe.
Q. What is the tidiest element on a map?A. The neatline.
Q. Why did the cartographer put a band-aid on the map?A. Because it had a bleeding edge.
Q. What do John Wayne and a map key have in common?A. Both are legends.
Q. Why was longitude boiling mad?A. Because it was 360 degrees.
Q. Why was the map gesturing wildly?A. It was an animated map.
Q. Why are maps like fish?A. Both have scales.
Q. Where to lines of equal pressure go to relax?A. In ISO - bars (In Search Of isobars)
Q. Why do senior military officials like small scale maps?A. Because they have been GENERAL-ized.
Q. What projection is used to map the distribution of chocolate lovers?A. The Bonne-Bonne (bon bon) projection.
Q. What is smarter, longitude or latitude?A. Longitude, because it has 360 degrees
Q. What do you call a map showing the heights of leafy-stemmed perennial herbs measured in centimeters?A. A daisy metric map
Q. Why do paper maps never win at poker?A. Because they always fold.
Q. What kind of projection do 3 out of 4 ear, nose, and throat specialists prefer?A. A sinus-oidal map projection.
Q. What do you get when you cross a cowboy with a mapmaker?A. A cow-tographer.
Q. Why didn’t true north date magnetic north?A. She didn’t like his bearing.
Q. Why does west longitude need to be cheered up?A. Because it is always negative.
Q. What do a row of Bacardi bottles and a loxodrome have in common?A. Both are rum (rhumb) lines.
Q. Why did the equator win the MVP (most valuable parallel) award at the Latitude Super Bowl?A. Because it was a great circle.
Q. What did the mapmaker send his sweetheart on Valentine’s Day?A. A dozen compass roses.
Q. Why did the dot go to college?A. Because it wanted to be a graduated symbol.
Q. Why weren’t there any parallels on the map?A. Because the cartographer didn’t have any latitude in his map design.
Q. What do you call a USGS quadrangle with green water, blue forests, and all the names spelled backwards?A. A topo-illogical map.
Q. What kind of sunglasses do physical relief maps wear?A. Hypsometric tints.
Q. Why couldn't Mark McGwire reach first after hitting his 62nd home run?A. He didn't have a base map.
Q. What do you call a map of outhouses in the woods?A. A shaded relief map.
Q. How can you tell if a map was made by a troll?A. It is in the gnome-onic (gnomonic) projection.
Q. What kind of maps do spiders make?A. Web-based maps.
Q. What do you call the queue of foreign couples outside the Hard Rock Cafe?A. The international date line.
Q. Why didn't the map projection finish his speech?A. He was interrupted.
Q. A Mercator, Lambert Conformal, and Homolosine projection met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Only the Homolsine Projection went on to heaven. Why?A. It was the only Good(e) projection.
Q. Why do soldiers study their maps at stop lights?A. Because their maps are red-light readable.
Q. How do maps get around London?A. They take the map tube.
Q. How do you clean a nautical chart?A. You give it an iso-bath (isobath).
Q. Why did the cartographer put the projection in a hangar?A. It was a plane projection.
Q. What map element plays in the band?A. The symbols (cymbals).
Q. Did you hear about the map that was mugged?A. It was rolled by the map librarian.
Q. What is a nautical chart's best pitch?A. The depth curve.
Q. Why was the map twitching?A. It had a nervous tic.
Q. Why did the map crash?A. It lost its control.
Q. What projection do birds use to track their migration?A. A robins-son (Robinson) projection.
Q. What kind of map plays CD's?A. A stereo map.
Q. Why is a lifeguard like a polar stereographic projection?A. The lifeguard is a tan gent and the polar stereographic projection is tangent.
Q: Why did the innocent map go to jail? A: It was framed by the neatline.
Q: What projection do lost sheep use to find their way home? A: The Lamb-ert Conic Conformal projection.
Q: Why don't cartography librarians wear high heels? A: They prefer map flats.
Q: What is the difference between a tub full of freezing water and a depth contour? A: One is an icy bath and the other is an isobath.
Q: How do maps comb their hair? A: They use a geographic brush.
Q: Why is the Jenks classification system like an orthopedic surgeon? A: They both deal with natural breaks.
Q: Why didn't the marginalia go to the dance?A: It didn't have a date.
Q: Why was the globe rated "R"?A: Because of its gore. (In earlier times, a map that was pasted on the globe consisted of a number of tapered strips, called gores.)
Q: What is the difference between a black tie dinner for prisoners and a projection showing true shape? A: One is a con formal and the other is conformal.
Q: What kind of contours can see in the dark? A: Illuminated contours.