Google Maps - Too Close for Comfort...

"Geographic Conversation" in a Diner (inserting placenames)

Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Romania long, either. Venice lunch ready?
Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?
Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales.
Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!
Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia!
Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan on Zanzibar is open.
From About.com Geography Humor Page

“Heaven, Hell, and GIS Demos”

There once was a super GIS salesman that travelled the world with a great 'it can do everything' GIS demo (but the real stuff was vaporware). He sold it to lonely GISers and made lots of money. One day while dashing through an airport on his way to clinch another mega deal he dropped dead of a heart attack. At the gates of Heaven he was judged. He had lived a borderline life and was given the option of Heaven or Hell. He could look into the doors of each and choose. As he opened the door to Heaven, wonderful harp music played, be saw people floating on clouds and all was bright and white. Next he opened the doors to Hell and saw people drinking beer and dancing to rock and roil music. Everyone was partying. It was just like his first year at college. When he met with his Maker again, he said: 'Heaven is great and wonderful, but the other is more my style'. 'Think carefully', he was told, but the other was his wish. As the doors of Hell opened for him, the intense heat hit him and he was pulled in. He stood before the Devil and saw pain and sorrow everywhere. He shouted at the Devil: 'Where is the party and beer?' 'The Devil laughed: 'That was the demo, this is the real thing'.
-As seen at www.GISNuts.com and www.mainstreetgis.com

You need to study more geography if you think...

Andes is an after dinner mint
The Balkans are an alien people on Star Trek
The English Channel is a TV sitcom about Charles and Di
The United Kingdom is a cultural theme park
Butte Montana is Joe's new girlfriend
Reno Nevada is what you get for being Attorney General
The Tropic of Cancer is a sunscreen lotion
The $10,000 Pyramid is in Egypt
The Gaza Strip is a Middle Eastern folk dance
The Ring of Fire is the center ring of Barnum and Bailey's Circus
The Bermuda Triangle is a percussion instrument in a reggae band
The Cumberland Gap gives out a pair of clogs with every set of jeans sold
The International Dateline is a new cable TV network
The Equator is a cartoon action figure
The Continental Shelf is a specialty section of the supermarket
An archipelago is a food stabilizer
The Dust Bowl is Granny's old favorite dish
A fault is what you find in other people
A fjord is a Norwegian car
A mantle is what goes over your fireplace
Tide is a laundry detergent
You can do a research paper to find out who killed the Dead Sea
Minnesotans
How do Minnesotans decide where to retire?
They tie a snowshovel to the back of their RV, drive south, and when people start asking "What's that thing?" they know they've gone far enough!

A Hundred Map Jokes (some of them very corny)

Q. What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?A. A con-tour map.
Q. Why didn't the map have any meridians?A. It was a map of a parallel universe.
Q. What is the tidiest element on a map?A. The neatline.
Q. Why did the cartographer put a band-aid on the map?A. Because it had a bleeding edge.
Q. What do John Wayne and a map key have in common?A. Both are legends.
Q. Why was longitude boiling mad?A. Because it was 360 degrees.
Q. Why was the map gesturing wildly?A. It was an animated map.
Q. Why are maps like fish?A. Both have scales.
Q. Where to lines of equal pressure go to relax?A. In ISO - bars (In Search Of isobars)
Q. Why do senior military officials like small scale maps?A. Because they have been GENERAL-ized.
Q. What projection is used to map the distribution of chocolate lovers?A. The Bonne-Bonne (bon bon) projection.
Q. What is smarter, longitude or latitude?A. Longitude, because it has 360 degrees
Q. What do you call a map showing the heights of leafy-stemmed perennial herbs measured in centimeters?A. A daisy metric map
Q. Why do paper maps never win at poker?A. Because they always fold.
Q. What kind of projection do 3 out of 4 ear, nose, and throat specialists prefer?A. A sinus-oidal map projection.
Q. What do you get when you cross a cowboy with a mapmaker?A. A cow-tographer.
Q. Why didn’t true north date magnetic north?A. She didn’t like his bearing.
Q. Why does west longitude need to be cheered up?A. Because it is always negative.
Q. What do a row of Bacardi bottles and a loxodrome have in common?A. Both are rum (rhumb) lines.
Q. Why did the equator win the MVP (most valuable parallel) award at the Latitude Super Bowl?A. Because it was a great circle.
Q. What did the mapmaker send his sweetheart on Valentine’s Day?A. A dozen compass roses.
Q. Why did the dot go to college?A. Because it wanted to be a graduated symbol.
Q. Why weren’t there any parallels on the map?A. Because the cartographer didn’t have any latitude in his map design.
Q. What do you call a USGS quadrangle with green water, blue forests, and all the names spelled backwards?A. A topo-illogical map.
Q. What kind of sunglasses do physical relief maps wear?A. Hypsometric tints.
Q. Why couldn't Mark McGwire reach first after hitting his 62nd home run?A. He didn't have a base map.
Q. What do you call a map of outhouses in the woods?A. A shaded relief map.
Q. How can you tell if a map was made by a troll?A. It is in the gnome-onic (gnomonic) projection.
Q. What kind of maps do spiders make?A. Web-based maps.
Q. What do you call the queue of foreign couples outside the Hard Rock Cafe?A. The international date line.
Q. Why didn't the map projection finish his speech?A. He was interrupted.
Q. A Mercator, Lambert Conformal, and Homolosine projection met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Only the Homolsine Projection went on to heaven. Why?A. It was the only Good(e) projection.
Q. Why do soldiers study their maps at stop lights?A. Because their maps are red-light readable.
Q. How do maps get around London?A. They take the map tube.
Q. How do you clean a nautical chart?A. You give it an iso-bath (isobath).
Q. Why did the cartographer put the projection in a hangar?A. It was a plane projection.
Q. What map element plays in the band?A. The symbols (cymbals).
Q. Did you hear about the map that was mugged?A. It was rolled by the map librarian.
Q. What is a nautical chart's best pitch?A. The depth curve.
Q. Why was the map twitching?A. It had a nervous tic.
Q. Why did the map crash?A. It lost its control.
Q. What projection do birds use to track their migration?A. A robins-son (Robinson) projection.
Q. What kind of map plays CD's?A. A stereo map.
Q. Why is a lifeguard like a polar stereographic projection?A. The lifeguard is a tan gent and the polar stereographic projection is tangent.
Q: Why did the innocent map go to jail? A: It was framed by the neatline.
Q: What projection do lost sheep use to find their way home? A: The Lamb-ert Conic Conformal projection.
Q: Why don't cartography librarians wear high heels? A: They prefer map flats.
Q: What is the difference between a tub full of freezing water and a depth contour? A: One is an icy bath and the other is an isobath.
Q: How do maps comb their hair? A: They use a geographic brush.
Q: Why is the Jenks classification system like an orthopedic surgeon? A: They both deal with natural breaks.
Q: Why didn't the marginalia go to the dance?A: It didn't have a date.
Q: Why was the globe rated "R"?A: Because of its gore. (In earlier times, a map that was pasted on the globe consisted of a number of tapered strips, called gores.)
Q: What is the difference between a black tie dinner for prisoners and a projection showing true shape? A: One is a con formal and the other is conformal.
Q: What kind of contours can see in the dark? A: Illuminated contours.

Amazing video of Lilly, the youngest World Map Master

The Onion Map Humor: Midwest Discovered between East, West Coasts

'Midwest' Discovered Between East, West Coasts

Miss Teen South Carolina

GIS Song/video: G.I.-Yes!

You might be a GIS Professional If…

You might be a GIS Professional If…
- you hear the words spatial and enterprise and do not think of Star Trek
- your idea of curling up with a good book is with a Rand McNally Street Atlas
- you assume that the people around you are yawning because they are tired
- you are the only person in your organization that realizes the term 'GIS system' contains a redundancy
- you actually care about what datum was used
- FGDC metadata does not put you to sleep
- you find yourself critiquing Mapquest maps
- you see an address and wonder how that codes into the centerline
- you notice inconsistent signage on streets
- you can navigate a southbound trip without turning the map upside down
- you are not amazed that a dispatcher knows where your cell phone call is coming from
- the Map Store is your favorite stop at the mall
- when told to turn 'East' you know which way to go
- you can make the wrong turn and get back on the correct route without anyone else knowing it wasn't just part of the trip
- you can give directions without mentioning McDonalds or Starbucks
- you laugh at the folks climbing Mt. Elbert (highest point in Colorado - over 14,000 feet) who say "we're almost there, the GPS says it's just few hundred feet away"
- you find errors on the AAA travel atlas and try to get a refund
- you get excited thinking about the next census!
Adapted from ‘ewolf’ at www.gisnuts.com

“The Shepherd and the Consultant”

Once upon a time there was a sheepherder tending his sheep at the edge of a country road in rural Wyoming. A brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee screeched to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, Jovial Swiss wristwatch and a BHS tie, jumped out and asked the herder "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The herder looked at the young man, then looked at the sprawling herd of grazing sheep and said "Okay." The young man parked the SUV, connected his notebook and wireless modem, entered a NASA site, scanned the ground using satellite imagry and a GPS, opened a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then printed a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turned to the herder and said "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here." The herder answered "Say, you are right. Pick out a sheep." The young man took one of the animals and put it in the back of his vehicle. As he was preparing to drive away, the herder looked at him and asked "Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?" The young man answered "Sure." The herder said immediately "You are a consultant." "Exactly! How did you know?" asked the young man. "Very simple," replied the herder. "First you came here without being invited. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you do not understand anything about my business, and I'd really like to have my dog back."
As seen at www.GISNuts.com and www.mainstreetgis.com